Porn Starr!

After months of speculation and anticipation, the Starr Report was released late one Friday afternoon.

The Congressman’s assistant rushed to print it out. “Everyone gets a copy!” she yelled.

“Even us!?” my fellow intern Peter and I asked.

“Of course!” she said. “Everyone gets a Starr!”

As she was making copies, the assistant’s eyes happened upon the most unusual sex act in the whole 445 pages. She squealed from the copier, “I just saw something about a cigar!”

The TV reporter was reading verbatim the copy in her hot little hands. Eventually, it became obvious that a producer had skipped ahead to the juicy parts and stopped their word-for-word narrative before the station faced a fine from the FCC.

The report reads like a tween’s soft core porn fantasy. To paraphrase and take the report completely out of context:

Monica Lewinsky and the President became friends and this is totally normal. She showed the President her thong. He’s bewitched. They had long talks. He implied that he’s going to leave his wife. She dreamt about buying His and Her towels. They kissed. He’s a breast man. They get to first, second and third. Well, she gets to second, and he gets to third. She doesn’t like paying for dry cleaning. He stuck a cigar in her hoo-ha. She told her friends that it’s love. One friend, with whom she also shared a healthy relationship, taped their phone conversations. He fell asleep during phone sex. He leaned up against the door during fellatio because of his bad old man back. They presented each other with strange gifts. She gave him a frog figurine and he gave her a hat pin. She put a Valentine’s Day note in the Washington Post addressed to “Handsome” and quoted Romeo and Juliet. He starts avoiding her. She begins to suspect she is being “strung along.” She eventually cooperates with the authorities.

How is there no Starr Report fan fiction? In my version, Bill would end up with Linda Tripp and Monica with Betty Currie.

Even though available online for free, the Starr Report is immediately is published and available at Barnes & Noble a couple weeks later. The chief executive of Amazon directs his editorial staff to post a notice on the website that the report is also free online, just to be above board with their customers. Still, people bought it.

Unfortunately, frog figurine and hat pin sales plummeted.


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