Boxer Short’s Insufficient Funds

All this time I was still seeing a guy from college who once took abandoned boxer shorts from a locker room.

He was unnecessarily frugal and made me pay for everything.  This included asking me to pay his phone bills; even though he was the one who called me.

When he still hadn’t found a job after college graduation, Boxer started to make rumblings that maybe he had to make some changes.  I knew it was coming, but I had never been dumped.

When he visited toward the end of the summer; forlorn, as was his normal mien, he took me into my room, shut the door and broke up with me.  It especially burned because I had spent a lot of lunch breaks reading “Dune”, which he told me I had to read but wanted back right away.

I begged him to reconsider. I sang him “I Can’t Make You Love Me.”  Ultimately squawking Bonnie Raitt in a distorted sensual whisper didn’t get him to change his mind.  Nope.  He had a life to start living without me.

When he left, Boxer took some tchotchke faux-ivy league furniture that I had saved from the trash during Brooks Brothers’ remodeling.  Plus, my pirated Totally 80s tapes.  He also bought new sneakers with my credit card.

I was pissed.  I knew he wasn’t the one, but god damn it; I want him to think I am!

I called his friends and complained.  He called to explain I was making them uncomfortable and to never call his friends again.

Peter, one never to miss an opportunity to offer advice and/or quote Dorothy Parker, reminded me that “living well is the best revenge.”  I hated when he was right.

Boxer did send me a hundred dollar check a couple months later with a note saying that if we had stayed together he might well have just proposed.  Well, that was certainly a big strange leap.

Also, he asked me not to cash the check for a while.

He had insufficient funds.


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